The Reluctant Mom

A Tribute to the Kind of Mom That No One Talks About

With Tanya and Leena

The movies are wrong. Or at least for me. I never felt motherly and emotional when my oldest one was born.

Growing up, I barely noticed kids. It was all about dogs or my own work. Even during pregnancy, the baby was never on my mind. I was doing my PhD then, and my focus was on eating food (and keeping it down), and trying to get the dissertation done.

Tanya arrived very early, a micro preemie at 29 weeks at a hospital 1.5 hours away. She was whisked into the NICU. The first time I saw her, I only felt unprepared and awkward.

Sorry, this isn’t your regular “tears filled my eyes, and my heart overflowed with love” kinda story that all moms have to say or be doomed. Tanya was less than 2 pounds and in an incubator. I was scared and reluctant to even hold her. After gentle encouragement from the nurses, I finally did. We did a lot of skin to skin time, since she couldn’t hold her temperature.

For the first week, I was at the hospital, recovering from my pre-eclampsia. It was easy to go to see Tanya. Then I was discharged. Bye, see ya, no baby!

I came home, a ghost, moving about room to room, not sure what was going on. My friend came the next day. She asked, “aren’t you missing her?” I cried. Again, this was not a hallmark card moment. I think the biological need to be with my child who had recently been just a part of my body and was now totally cut off triggered a primal response.

Before anyone gets upset, my husband was trying. But he ran a super high demand business of making large machines with short delivery times. There was only him and an employee.

What happened then was lovely. All the wonderful ladies in my life then got together to organize drives to the hospital until I felt comfortable to drive myself. The hospital was 1.5 hours away making it a logistical nightmare. My husband parked our camper van in the hospital parking lot. I would go there one day, spend time with Tanya, sleep in the van, and then spend time with her again before driving back to my PhD.

Tanya spent 50 days in the NICU, after which we drove her home. They sent her home with a heart monitor. The first night it went off soon after we reached home. Panicked, I stared. The probe had come off. She looked fine. We didn’t use the monitor for very long afterward, since it was triggering mini heart attacks all around every time it went off!

Even back home, I can’t say that I transitioned easily into motherhood. My parents were here and took care of her more than me in the first 4 months. They left one week before my PhD presentation! Once they were gone, the impact of motherhood hit me full on. I fumbled my way through, marveling at the moms who seemed to ease in momhood so easily. I always felt fake.

We did things as needed. For instance, her first birthday party was when she turned 4 and actually cared enough to have one. We did trick or treating when she came home one day after daycare and informed us that kids go out today collecting candies. Being an immigrant, it threw me off. Anyway, she put on a cow costume and off we went.

Things were easier and also more difficult when Leena was born. Easier since I knew what to expect, but difficult because now there were two of them! Leena came early as well, but at 34 weeks, and was thankfully sent home with us.

Fast forward to now. After stumbling and fumbling for years, I finally got comfortable in motherhood when I could talk to my girls normally. I would marvel when they got a normal, adult style joke.

I have taken my role as a mom seriously, and intend to until they stop needing me. When I see our kids, I think that I didn’t do bad at all. So the lesson here is that even if you are totally clueless and disinterested, you can be a great mom.

I wanted to put this out there because I don’t like the narrative that is pushed that all women have cookie cutter emotions and instincts when children are born. Every mom’s experience is unique. One thing that is common, though, is the fact that we all do have the capability to bring up our kids. There are endless resources buried deep within which will come out as needed, and turn an ordinary woman into a fierce tigress.

Happy Mother’s Day.